it's the most wonderful time of the year...

and I'm already feeling pooped. It's December 1. I need to get some energy going...

I'm trying to make the house look festive for HONKA (as Bug says) and Christmas. I go to SD this weekend to visit my mom and I would love to return to a home that looks and feels like the holidays. Not sure that will happen (see missing energy above).

Do you have a real or fake tree? We've usually had real trees but had a small fake tree for a couple of years. Now I'm feeling the need for a full-size tree. I'm leaning toward a fake one just because the real ones can be so expensive year after year and getting a pre-lit artificial tree sounds pretty easy. I figure if I have some greens in the house I'll still get that real tree smell.


My mom fell and broke her pelvic bone a few weeks ago. The other day on the phone she said she was just sitting on the floor of her room and didn't know how she got there. Obviously, she fell. Nothing broken but she did have some bruises. She doesn't understand--or more accurately--doesn't remember that she can't walk on her own. My heart goes out to her. I know it's frustrating for her because she wants to do more and her body is betraying her. I don't expect this to be an easy trip. When I'm visiting her, I'll pick up gifts for the family so we can have a little wrapping party in her room to bring a bit of the Christmas season to her. After all, it's the most wonderful time of the year...

Celebrating Families

The weekend is over. Two days like all other weekends except this was a biggie. Eleven months ago I agreed to co-chair an adoption gala to celebrate the anniversary of our adoption agency (it's the oldest in the area) and the benefit was Saturday night. In many ways it's hard to believe the event has come and gone and in others it's a relief.

We passed the targeted goal of attendees and the night was truly wonderful. with a fun silent auction. The volunteer mom who designed the centerpieces had such great vision and detail that the room was stunning.

Donnie's parents came down to attend the gala and friends came as well. Our table was filled with people close to our hearts and most of us were in tears at one part or another during the program (particularly the video showing 65 years of families created through adoption). As a co-chair I actually had to stand on stage (ugh). Thankfully, I didn't have to speak because public speaking is such a fear that my nervousness would have ruined the night for me.

The preparations for the event were moving along well when it occurred to me--a couple of weeks ago--that my biggest issue was: what to wear. I don't have cocktail dresses in my closet. I finally decided to look through the clothes I have that my mother wore in the 1960s. She had some beautiful things that I call her "Jackie Kennedy collection." Most are spring outfits but there was a long black dress with a black/gold top and funky bow that I decided would be nice. I had the formal cut to a cocktail length and a few other minor adjustments and my outfit was done. I told my mom I was having the dress altered and she said that was fine because 1.) she couldn't remember the dress and 2.) she didn't think she would be wearing it anytime soon. I found her response adorable considering she gave me these dresses years ago and Mom is now in a nursing home.

When I wore it, older women said it was timeless. Younger women said it was "Mad Men." And a waiter stopped me to tell me it was beautiful. To me it was like having a piece of my mom with me on a special night about family.

thinking outside the box (and packing everything inside)

First off, check out the You're Gonna Love Me for This giveaway. Seriously, you'll love me.


Whew, I'm back home. I flew with my brother and sister-in-law to the Black Hills on Friday and on Saturday my sister-in-law and I drove six hours to pick up things at her mom's place and then another four hours to my mom's condo. After more than 10 hours in the car, we stayed up chatting another three hours.

The moving gods had to be perfectly aligned for things to fall into place and somehow it worked. It may not have been pretty at times but it's finished.

My mother has lots of things dating back to my grandmother's childhood and it was nice to see items that I hadn't seen before. I found diplomas from the 1920s and a few certificates of honor and merit for perfect attendance and no tardiness during the 1914 school year. There's a lovely spoon with books on it from my hometown library dated 1909 and many other things that warmed my heart. Another treat was seeing my grandmother's travel journal of her honeymoon...talk of men with chin whiskers and gypsies. I can't wait to read more of it.

My mom also looked better than she's looked in months. Her memory is failing and we often have conversations that are repeated moments later but we had a nice time and I was able to take her out shopping for a few hours yesterday.

She's still--at times--confused about where she's living but knew we were packing up her condo and putting her boxes in storage. When I picked her up at the nursing home yesterday for our outing she apologized that we had to pack up her home and she couldn't help. Then she quickly added that she hoped I saved boxes for her because she's planning on moving soon and will need them. I didn't even ask where she thinks she's moving. That's a conversation to be repeated another day.

Now I'm off to catch up on what you've been doing...

Random Tuesday Thoughts

The other night I had a dream that you could view your past dreams on youtube. The dream was so clear I could actually see my computer screen with a "video" clip of a past dream. I would love visit my dreams in the daylight (well, maybe not all of them--this one still creeps me out).

This weekend I’m heading out for a quick 25-hour getaway. I’m meeting a girlfriend in Philly to celebrate one of her big “ends in a zero” birthdays. It’s just girl time…all the fellas are staying put…mine in DC and hers in NY.

My mom’s condo sold. I was a bit surprised how this news hit me over the weekend. I know that Mom will never live on her own again but I think it’s just another chapter of her life that’s now ending. I’m going back to SD in a couple of weeks to help move her things to storage.

My world is changing. I was able to revise my work schedule and instead of working four full days a week I’ll now work five shorter days each week. This will allow me to pick up Bug at preschool and we won't need a full-time nanny/sitter. He’s going to go to school a bit longer this year and then we’ll hang out in the afternoons. Of course, if he had his way we would go to the grocery store every day. He LOVES the child-sized carts and can maneuver them with the speed and skill of a racecar driver.

Go to The Un Mom for more.

Home again

Highlights of our trip:

Spending time with my mom
Seeing Bug give kisses to Grandma T
Being fast enough--often enough--to stop and/or guide Bug while steering Grandma T’s wheelchair
Spending time with family
Hearing Bug sing “Let My People Go” in a catholic nursing home
Having a date night with Donnie
Getting two (good!) steak dinners, wine and dessert for $45
Watching Bug play with his cousins and mixing up their names so often that he started referring to one of them as “that guy”
Eating at Taco John’s (more than once but who’s counting)
Eating at the Dairy Queen (more than once but who’s counting)
Taking Mom to see some of her friends in my hometown
Hearing Bug tell stories to the ladies in the nursing home
Watching Twins games on TV
Running into high school friends
Hearing my 16-year-old nephew tell me he loves me
Realizing that Bug listened to me and didn't kick the seat in front of him on the plane (thankyouverymuch!)

Of course there were some challenging moments as well but we survived and while I’m happy to be sleeping in my own bed again I’m so (SO) glad we made the trip.

Packing up our bags

Our trip to visit my mom is this weekend. Every time I talk to her I tell her the day we’ll arrive and how we’re looking forward to seeing her. This morning I called and said, “We’ll see you in TWO days.” She was so excited and throughout our chat I realized the statement of our visit was actually news to her. She had no recollection of our previous conversations. Long ago I decided that I can’t be surprised what she remembers and what’s not retained.


I’ve also learned not to call if the Twins are on TV. It’s pretty difficult to have a conversation with her if she’s watching a baseball game. (I actually love that she’s still so interested in baseball so I don’t mind getting bumped and calling later.)

On this visit most of my time will be spent with my mom. Donnie and Bug will visit with her, too, but (understandably) Bug gets restless at the nursing home and I often fear he’s about one quick step from trying to push people in their wheelchairs. Mom is eager to get out and do some shopping. We'll probably make a drive to my hometown. Bug will see his cousins and get to hang out at a terrific park/play area in town. This is a photo from a previous visit. It always makes me smile. He LOVES Winnie-the-Pooh and he walked right up and planted a kiss on the big bear.


I'm already dreading the flights. We're leaving our house at 6:15am on Friday. (Flights to my mom's town are pretty limited.) I think my only hope of getting the little man dressed before arriving at the airport is to let him wear his "G is for Guitar" shirt. I'm praying that will work--if not he'll likely be in his guitar jammies. See a theme, anyone? We've got two flights before we land in SD and one squirmy little boy. On Bug's last flight we were over the Potomac River, about to land in DC when he shouted, "OH NO, we're gonna land in the water."


So I'm looking forward to the trip, steadying myself for the challenges surprises of traveling with a 3-year-old and gearing up for some emotional times with family...and I'm thinking we may even watch a Twins game or two.

Dear Someone

Dear Bug,

Just a gentle reminder that when it’s dark outside you have to put on your sleepy head (thank you Pajanimals). Being awake from 3-6am isn’t a good idea for you or mommy and daddy.

I do appreciate that you still said “please” while begging asking to come and sleep in our bed or to have me lie down in your bed but I would prefer if you must talk nonstop during the night that you do it in your sleep.

Love,
Sleepy mommy

Dear Mom,

I know the world is confusing right now. I’m sorry it’s such a tough time. We expected the move would take some adjustment but I’m glad that you’re comfortable in the new nursing home. I also think it's sweet that you call it the hotel and the dining room is the country club. We’ll see you next week…to quote Bug, “we can’t wait!”

Love,
Mary Ann

Dear Bug,

Really, you peed on your books? AARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH…

Signed,
A book loving mommy

Dear R,

You're terrific! When I asked if you could watch Bug for a few hours while we're in SD, I can't tell you how sweet it was that you gave me your available times for EVERY DAY of our visit. We won't be asking you to watch him much but thank you for being so agreeable...you're a good nephew!

Love,
Mooie

Visit Amanda for more.

Dairy Queen and Lipstick

My father died more than twelve years ago. He had cancer and Alzheimer’s. I remember having a hard time understanding Alzheimer’s because he seemed to function quite well most of the time. Dad spent some time in the nursing home and later hospice care and I went back to SD to visit him. He used a cane but could still get around on his own so my mom and I often took him out. Once he asked, “Mary Ann, what are we doing for dinner tonight?” I said, “We’re going to the Dairy Queen!”

Five minutes later Dad asked, “What are we doing for dinner tonight, Mary Ann?” I responded with the same answer I had given him moments before. It was a turning point for me, which sounds stupid but because I LOVE the Dairy Queen and still consider it a treat it seemed impossible that Dad could forget we were going there (we always went there when I visited). Somehow I'll forever think of that conversation as my acceptance/confirmation of Dad having Alzheimer’s.

So…fast forward to this weekend with my mom.

As I mentioned she looked better than she has in the past year. She’s put some of her weight back on and her hair had grown back enough that I took her for a haircut. On Friday she had a doctor’s appointment. She couldn’t find her lipstick but after looking in her purse and her room we decided to go to the appointment and look for it later. Lipstick--or lack of--was the topic of conversation on the way to the appointment, in the waiting room and when we left the doctor’s office. After the appointment we were going to go for a short drive and she asked if we could stop somewhere to buy a lipstick.

I parked the car at a store, discussed what color she would like and off I went to the store (she wanted to stay in the store). I was back in about five minutes. As I opened the door I said, “It’s tricky to pick out lipstick for someone else’s lips…” when I noticed my mom holding a ten-dollar bill. She interrupted me and said, “I hate to ask you to do this but could you go get me a lipstick somewhere.”

It broke my heart and then I felt terrible because I wondered if she felt abandoned in the car while I was in the store. If she had no memory of why I was in the store, had she also forgotten where she was or who she was with? She wouldn’t have wandered away because she needs a wheelchair to move but what if she had tried to walk on her own and fallen? Needless to say, I didn’t leave the car again unless she was with me.

The next morning I called to let her know when I would pick her up and she said, “Oh, and when are you arriving in town?” She had no idea that we had spent the past two days together.

Oh, and for the record, when I put Mom’s new lipstick in her purse, the lipstick she had been looking for was there in plain view practically taunting me. It must have been in her pocket because we both looked through her purse a few times.

it's a small world

I traveled to South Dakota yesterday and it was a pretty good day. First good thing: I didn't sleep through my alarm and actually woke up at 3:30 to get ready for my trip. The rest of the day was gravy...and good gravy at that.


I boarded my plane and saw one of my brothers on the same flight. I had just cracked open a new book so I didn't pay attention to people who boarded prior to me. We parted ways after the first flight but it was fun to see him.


On my second flight the woman across the aisle told me I looked familiar to her. Again, I had my nose in my book at the gate area and other than noticing her terrific boots when she walked by I didn't really look at people who were on my flight. As soon as she said something and I saw her face she was familiar as well...we went to high school together.


Finished my book. What a treat...enough reading time to start and finish a book in the same day.


My mom is doing pretty well. She looks better than she's looked in a year! Much to my surprise the nurse even had her walking with a walker. I haven't seen that in a very long time. When I take her out she uses a wheelchair (and we still look a bit like Lucy and Ethel when we maneuver it).


Saw another high school friend when I took my mom for a manicure yesterday as well as the younger sister of a classmate.


My brother (who lives in South Dakota) works at a school. We all went to the high school basketball game last night (district finals--his team won!) and I saw one of my good friend's sisters.


Funny thing about all of these familiar faces...I'm not visiting the town where I grew up. If that were the case I would expect to bump into people I know because it's a small town but yesterday was filled with nice surprises.

update and a date

So...the Black Eyed Peas concert was fun! (Anyone surprised by that?) I was the only one in the suite who was familiar with the first opening act, LMFAO. The second was Ludacris. I probably didn't need to admit that I knew LMFAO because I read in the paper the week before that they were involved in the Mitt Romney airplane kerfuffle. Oh well--for a second people were impressed. The suite was a blast and at one point there was a conga line happening. One of my friends told me she thought my dress was perfect for Serena (Samantha's cousin on Bewitched). I Dream of Jeannie or Bewitched...I think you get the picture.


After dancing, eating and drinking for a few hours, I walked in my front door to hear, "Hi, Mommy." Not what I usually hear after midnight but I quickly learned that Bug had been throwing up for the past couple of hours. I went from concert going party girl to mom in a snap--or keeping with the Jeannie theme--a blink. Smart woman that I am, I took off my suede books before going up the steps to the little patient.


Since then I've had a day home with Bug, lunch with an old friend, an adoption fundraiser, a visit from my in-laws, a successful solo trip to Target, a new faucet installed (I'm 100% giddy over a full-time working kitchen faucet!) and today...our neighbors are going to watch Bug so Donnie and I can go on a real late afternoon/early evening date. Actually, the time doesn't matter I'm just thrilled to be going out for a bit of alone time with my fella AND have free babysitting. Our boys are 2 months apart so it will be a playdate for Bug...he won't even know we're gone. He's as comfortable at their house as his own and, of course, he likes the toys better over there.


My sister-in-law arrives on Monday. She's leaving Thursday afternoon and I'm headed for the airport the same day at 4:45am. (Do you think airlines frown upon women traveling in their jammies?) I'm visiting my mom and always try to get the earliest flight so I can be in South Dakota by noon (fingers crossed). Any book suggestions for the flight?

Warming up and a winner

He's a little bit Jewish and I'm a little bit Catholic so our house is beginning to look a lot like Christmukkah. I'm finally getting out our decorations (other than the new menorah that we've been lighting) and trying to make the house festive. Bug did his part by sporting a Santa cap although as the day goes on and I untangling Christmas lights or trying to remember when I put something from last year I feel like I'm playing Scrooge while trying to be cheerful. Ho ho humbug.


I had a good trip to SD and am still amazed that I didn't get stranded in Minneapolis for a day. Those first few blasts of cold air upon leaving the airport are rough. It was 1 degree when I arrived and the windchill was minus 16 or 20 (does it really make a difference if you have to say "minus" before the number--it's all just cold, right?). I was convinced I wouldn't have feeling in my toes until I returned to DC. It was so cold that we decided my mom shouldn't go outside. Mom wasn't happy but after hearing the temps a few times she agreed she would stay put.


Thursday and Friday mornings I did some holiday shopping for Mom and finished everyone on her list. We spent the afternoons wrapping presents in her room. On Friday there was a heatwave break and the afternoon temp hit 20 so Mom and I went to the mall. We were there for four hours and only hit two stores. She was thrilled. We had dinner at the food court (Taco John's anyone?! Yum!) and by then she was exhausted. It takes us a bit of time to adjust to the wheelchair, getting in/out of the car and I always feel like we're channeling Lucy and Ethel with some of our movements but we manage.


While I was back I got to see several people I knew. I had a lunch with four classmates while Mom had physical therapy. (One of them even visited my mom--how nice is that? Of course, it was Russ and he's pretty much the definition of a good guy.) While we were at lunch, I saw my cousin and his family then ran into other people from my hometown. (Everyone in my hometown goes to the town where my mom now lives to shop because it has the nearest mall [42 miles away] so it's not uncommon to see people you know.)


There's something very comforting being back there. Of course I get to spend time with Mom and see my brother and his family (and drink wine with my sister-in-law!). These trips are so different from past visits now that Mom is in the nursing home but it's great to be there for/with her and nice to see friendly faces and have people ask about Mom or stop by to visit her. Many of them know her from their childhoods. It's true there's no place like home...and no matter how cold it gets the hearts are always warm.


Dee from Two of a Kind, Working on a Full House is the Santa cake pan winner. Happy baking, Dee! Email me and let me know where I should send it.

Dear Someone

Dear Anyone,

It's a dreary day here and I would rather be doing this:




Signed,
The Lady

Dear Mom,

I wish I could make things easier for you. I know it's difficult. Even when the physical pain is gone, the emotional pain is always there. It breaks my heart when we talk and you know you're confused and forgetting things. It's not the little things. We all do that (I've been looking for my black bra for three days...and I know I wore it home from work last week!). It's that you forget that Dad is no longer alive and you miss him so much.

There are times when I'll remind you that Dad died twelve years ago and that's why he hasn't been by to visit but other times I know you don't want to can't hear the truth at that moment and that's fine with me so we just talk. What's equally amazing is that you've never forgotten about Bug. Just a few months ago you were mad because you thought I got married without telling you (like that would ever happen!) but you still asked about Bug.

You're in my thoughts all the time and I'll see you very soon.

Love,

Mary Ann

Dear Thanksgiving,

I hear that you're two weeks away.

Signed,

The one who forgets dates on the calendar are closer than they appear

Dear Bug,

You were a star at the allergist's office this week! All our practicing paid off and when the doctor asked to listen to your heart, you lifted your shirt without missing a beat (oh, bad pun, sorry). I know Dr. S was as surprised as I was when you decided to lift my shirt as well.

Love,

Mommy

PS. We have to go back tomorrow so you can get the second half of your flu shot. Be brave, little guy.

Dear Brother #3,

I can't wait to give you your Christmas gift. You're the one who made me a Bruce fan. As a junior high student I always heard you playing his albums and then all of a sudden I was singing along and playing them myself.

You don't know I have a blog so I can comfortably say this...I have a signed Clarence Clemons book for you. Yeah, I doubt you'll read it but isn't it cool...the Big Man signed his book and it's yours or will be in about six weeks. (Good grief, Christmas is right on the heels of Thanksgiving--I better get moving).

Leave it to me to find books for sale at a Springsteen concert.

Love,

Your favorite and only sister

For more Dear Someone letters, stop by and visit Amanda at Family of Shorts.

Circling Childhood

A friend gave Bug It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown DVD. If you’re interested it’s usually running every 25 minutes or so from 7am until 8:30am and again from 6:45pm until 8:15pm at our house with various demand performances throughout the day. Meals and/or snacks along with free diaper changes are available. Stop by.

Obviously, Bug’s taken with it. What surprised me is how quickly I was taken back to my childhood. I feel as though my present self is hovering above the scene from long ago with my much younger self, mom and brother watching the Great Pumpkin in the kitchen, which meant my father was watching something else in the den. As a little sister I always related to Sally. I can remember dancing along with Snoopy as Schroeder is playing the piano. I wanted Charlie Brown to come to our house for tricks-or-treat so my mom could put something other than a rock in his bag. Oh, and I can clearly picture the Dolly Madison commercials that always ran during a Peanuts program and how desperately I wanted to try one but they weren’t sold in my town so that made them even more exotic.

I feel like this has been a full circle week from being a mother myself, to going back to a very vivid moment in my childhood to trying to be a long-distance caregiver to my mother who’s back in the hospital. Thanks Snoopy for bringing it all together.

Deep End

I'm back and know that when I return from these trips it's always an emotional re-entry to my daily life. I never feel like I can do enough when I'm back for a visit...enough for Mom or enough for my brother's family who lives in the same town and is on call for Mom at all hours.

Looking back on it, I know my mom was thrilled to get out for a couple of hours each day but it made her incredibly tired (just being lifted from the wheelchair to the car seat was exhausting for her). In the nursing home she was frustrated because she has an alarm on her wheelchair to alert staff if she tries to stand up on her own, which she does quite often and obviously shouldn't be doing at this point.

There was a time that she thought the nurses were laughing at her and there was no convincing her otherwise. She only asked where my dad was once in my presence but she's been asking about him more and more (and worried that she can't find him).

She repeats questions multiple times in a few minutes. Her memory is failing to the point that she simply can't live alone and I have to accept that the nursing home isn't just a place for rehab as was its original purpose. I suppose deep down I've known that but somehow this trip confirmed it on the surface. (Denial, anyone?)

So while I may not be drowning, I can't swim and definitely feel I'm in the deep end.

Greetings from SD...

• It looks like I can take my mom out for a bit! Yay! Today we're off to get her a haircut. She's thrilled--who wouldn't be--her hair has grown back enough that it needs to be cut! Tomorrow we'll do some shopping.


• I ran to Target yesterday and bought a skirt for $4.98 and a pair of shoes for $6.24. It's a good thing I needed to get toothpaste or I wouldn't have stumbled on the bargains!


• Reading time, reading time, reading time...the joy of uncrowded flights with empty seats all around me! Donnie read That Old Cape Magic and so I decided to read it too and we'll have our own little book group discussion. This is the second time in ten years that we've had any interest in reading the same book.


• One of my brothers is coming to town on Friday. His birthday is next week so I thought it would be fun to have a little birthday party for him in my mom's room. I ordered the cake and got to sample the frosting choices! I LOVE frosting. It was so good I got a little tub of it to go...mmmmmm.


• Flight attendant's name was Beth. BUT...when we got on the plane I heard a woman on her cell phone saying, "Hi Mom, it's Cindy, just wanted to let you know that I made the flight." It seems there's always a Cindy on my flight to SD.


• The guy in front of me at the security checkpoint in DC was on both my flight from DC to Minneapolis AND my flight to South Dakota. Random...considering the SD flight had so few travelers that we all had to sit in rows seven through eleven (the last row) to balance the weight of the plane. And there were still empty seats in those rows.


• Yesterday my mom said she kept thinking it was a holiday but then said, "I guess it just seems like a holiday because I get to see you." Awwww, she's sweet, huh?

leavin' on a jet plane (and then on a puddle jumper)

I'm off to South Dakota for a few days. I planned this trip a couple of weeks ago and the timing seems to be right. Last week my mom fell and broke her pelvic bone so she's been on bed rest for the most part but has recently been able to spend some time in her wheelchair.

I know she's going to be disappointed that we can't go out so we'll just have to make some fun at the nursing home. She loves to go to the mall, see a movie or go out for dinner. I'm afraid this time the options are very limited. Of course, that doesn't mean that I can't bring things to her. Dairy Queen and Taco John's are high on my our list! I know we'll have a lot of time just chatting. I finally received our vacation photos so I'll take those and plan to dig up some photos from my childhood as well and we can reminisce together.

Funny how when I was young, I always thought the town where my mom currently lives was SO big because compared to my hometown it's HUGE. We would go there for back-to-school shopping, the orthodontist (and no, I won't be packing photos of me with my perm AND braces--those days are better forgotten) and sometimes even stop at McDonald's (of course after getting my braces tightened it was difficult to even eat french fries). In high school it was exciting if you went on a date there...it somehow took the relationship to a new level because the boy was able to drive 42 miles for a date. That's a long way of saying...the town where my mom lives isn't really that big. In fact, the airport has one gate. I don't even think it's Gate 1...it's the only one. Flights have been cut back and there are very few options for arriving/departing flights. I'm grateful there's an airport at all. That's a very long way of saying...

I'm leaving for the airport at 4:45am tomorrow--as in morning. I'll fly to Minneapolis and then get on a small plane for the second flight to SD. My favorite thing about these flights? When we're getting ready to go, the pilot says, "Cindy, we're about to take off, please take your seat." (I've yet to see a male flight attendant on these flights--and often it seems the flight attendant is named Cindy.) It always makes me smile.

I'm certain I'll sleep like a newborn tonight and wake up every couple of hours. Instead of needing to eat (although I won't rule that out), I'll check the clock, count the few hours of night remaining and then fall into a restless sleep for a bit longer. At least that's the good scenario...the other scenario is that I wake up at 6am...oh, let's not go there at all. My mom called on Sunday night to ask if I was packed yet...

The Show Must Go On

I wish I were a Broadway star. Not because I can act, sing and/or dance; I can't. I don't want instant gratification of a live audience (I have stage fright) or my name in lights. I'm not looking for fame or fortune (well, I wouldn't refuse fortune!) or a Tony. I want to be a Broadway star because I want an understudy.

Wouldn't it be great to have someone fill in for you every so often? I'm feeling like now would be a good time for that. There's not any one thing that's happening but there are a few things swirling around in my poor little head all bumping into each other and making noise. This isn't anything new for me--or anyone else--but every so often don't you feel like shouting: ENOUGH--bring in my understudy!

Maybe it's re-entry after vacation.

Maybe it's trying to figure out that whole question of "should we move?".

Maybe it's that we called our realtor to come and look at our house and tell us what we need to do IF we decide to put our house on the market--and getting the house in some sort of order for the realtor to see.

Maybe it's that I'm planning another trip to visit my mom and always feel that I don't get enough time with her no matter how long I'm there.

Maybe it's guilt for not taking Bug with me on the trip. (I really can't figure out a logical way to do this. He's too active to hang out at the nursing home without wanting to run the halls--20 minutes proved to be his max on the last visit. I think if I took him I would have to squeeze him into a daycare during a chunk of the day so I can spend more time with my mom. She's in a wheelchair so getting both of them from one spot to another seems challenging at best. Any solutions out there?)

Maybe it's that my mom is talking about my dad in the present tense and he's been dead for nearly 12 years. It's heartbreaking to remind her Dad's no longer here.

Maybe it's that Donnie has a couple of trips coming up.

Maybe it's adding one day to my work schedule.

Maybe it's that I can't go to the bathroom without Bug crying outside the door or bursting in (today I had to kiss his toe because he had a boo boo...and it's a boo boo that's been kissed many times before).

Maybe it's that I was feeling good about my running schedule until vacation hit and I can't seem to get back on track--so to speak.

Or maybe this happens every 24-28 days and after all these years of being a girl I should get used to the little hormonal swing. In any event...where's that understudy...I feel like taking a nap.

catching up and giving away

The visit with my mom was very nice. She’s definitely stronger and has put on eight pounds in the last six weeks or so. She lost so much weight over the past several months that we cheer when she gains weight. We had a very nice time and made it to the Dairy Queen (ahem) more than once so it’s possible I put on eight pounds much faster than she did.

We saw lots of her friends and some of our relatives. I spent part of the weekend responding to “Mary Ann,” which always takes a second to realize it's directed toward me. It’s my real name but after I was four years old only my father and a handful of relatives called me that.

Hey there, I have a giveaway! I’m a big fan of Darling Mummy. Do you wear those tees? If not, you should…they’re so comfy and cute. I got my first one as a gift and immediately went back for more. Anyway, I was on the site looking for a new tee and noticed that the MOOD SWING tee is being retired. So...I exchanged emails with the founder and mentioned the name of my blog and she gave me a tee to give away! Don’t you love nice people?

The tee is black, 100% soft and snuggly cotton. Because this tee is being retired there are limited sizes left. I have an XL to give away. No rules (it is summer, after all)...just leave a comment here and IF you feel like it follow me. Pass it on to others...really, the tees are scrumpdillyicious (ah, the DQ, again!). The winner will be randomly selected on July 6. My camera is a bit funky at the moment so I'm using the image below to show the tee. It's a little fuzzy but you get the idea...



Okay, now I'm off to catch up on all the things I missed while I was gone.

Happy weekend

Don't you love weekends that start mid-week? I'm off to South Dakota to visit my mom for a long weekend. She's in a nursing home but we'll get out for a few fun things. We'll drive to my hometown so she can have lunch with some friends. We'll go out to her favorite restaurant for dinner (and maybe breakfast) and spend a bit of time shopping. If there's a baseball game around, we'll probably watch it...little league in person or major league on TV. Most of all, we'll chat. (And, yes, she still has Jim Nabors' CDs but currently that's not on the agenda.)

Her life has changed so much over the past few months. Chemo knocked her for a loop and she's never fully recovered. She's no longer strong enough to walk but she and I managed the wheelchair on a previous visit so we'll be fine. She's still got a great attitude and feels luckier than a lot of people. Courage and sense of humor: check and check.

I plan to read as much as possible on the planes and maybe sneak in a nap as well. When I leave the nursing home, I plan to play with my niece and nephews, have some wine and maybe a little cry. These trips often surprise me with their emotional jolts...sometimes they comes later. I've learned there's no pattern. This is Bug's shirt but I'm thinking it might be appropriate for me in case one of those jolts hits me on the flight home.

We visited my mom last week and there were more good moments than not-so-good moments. I was comforted to see that Bug wasn’t scared of her. She’s quite frail and has lost all of her hair from chemo treatments. She can only get around in a wheelchair and doesn’t have the strength to push it herself so a good chunk of her day is spent resting. Still when Bug saw her he shouted, “I want Grandma NOW” and then gave her a kiss. That alone was a dose of good medicine for her.

It’s so hard to see two people you love--one nearing the end of her life and another with so much life ahead of him--and know that the overlapping of their time together is so brief. I can barely allow myself to face the reality that Bug won't grow up knowing all the sweetness his grandma has to offer and that my mom won’t be around to watch Bug grow into himself. Maybe sometimes we all live in a vacuum but sometimes life is a vacuum and it sucks.