Things that make me smile

Opening the door and being greeted by Bug holding a bouquet of flowers for me on the day of my biopsy. Apparently he told everyone at the shop that the flowers were "for my mommy because she got a shot."

And earlier that day before/during the biopsy what really made me smile: Valium.

Getting a call from the radiologist that starts off with "I've got great news for you..."

Watching (and re-watching) It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Ending the work week by getting a new phone. I finally ditched my EIGHT-year-old phone and got an iPhone. Seriously my old phone wouldn't die, I never replaced the battery and it kept working fine. Okay, so it was only slightly less cumbersome than Maxwell Smart's shoe phone.

In any event, my decision was easily made to part with the antique when it took FIVE days to get a message from a doctor and I received a $100 Verizon gift card in the mail. I feel like this it's Christmas morning with my new toy, I mean phone.

Starting the work week with hot chocolate because the temp was in the 40s.

Our little girl is getting better. She has been very sick and lost so much weight but now she's putting the pounds back on and is her sweet self.

because I'm old here's a little advice...

When you get a mammogram: wear good shoes.

I recently went for my mammogram and a week later got the dreaded call that I had to return for more testing because 1) I have dense breasts and 2) there were new images on my screens. Ugh. I asked the woman if I should be concerned. She paused--which automatically made me concerned--and said, "it's not an emergency but they saw something new from your last mammogram. They'll do more images and probably an ultrasound and you'll meet with a radiologist so you'll have an answer before you leave. You're set for next week."

Okay then. I hung up the phone and looked at the six long days on the calendar until the appointment. When I picked up Bug that afternoon, I let him pick out three kinds of cookies at the grocery store. Seriously, THREE. And two bags of Cheetos. He was in heaven and I was in limbo.

Donnie reminded me that I had been called back before due to my "dense" breasts. Good point but it was the "they saw something new" that had me freaked anxious. I tried to alternate those thoughts with "it's not an emergency" but I wouldn't say it was balanced.

I told Donnie all I could do at this point was to wear good shoes...shoes that would make me happy. Shoes that I could look at before and after the tech places my right breast in the boobsmashing machine while I have a hospital gown hanging around my waist and a heavy protective apron covering the rest of my girl parts. Shoes, man. That's what I need, good shoes to make me smile. I chose this pair:

So I get to the appointment and before new images are taken, I see my breast on the screen and the tech shows me the small area that's circled. To me it looks just the same as the rest that isn't circled. Actually, it all looked like a satellite image of a storm forming off the coast. Not a named storm, just something tropical that might want to get noticed but not cause damage.

After another photo session with the boobsmasher, I met with the radiologist. She used a few technical words and while I know this isn't what she said, what I heard was "clusterfuck." Then she pointed to a little area on the screen that sort of looked like a Fourth of July sparkler. Blah, blah, blah, more medical talk and then random words were getting caught in my brain: new since your last mammogram, the size of grains of sugar or salt, totally curable. I really focused when she said, "I think you need a biopsy but I think it's benign. I'm very honest with my patients and if I thought there was a concern I would tell you."

The biopsy is done with me lying face down with my boob in a hole and the dr doing the procedure underneath. To me it sounds like I'm a car and she's the mechanic in charge of the tune-up. She suggested I might want a prescription for Valium. It's all going to be done in an hour and I'll have the results in 48 hours.

I'm focusing on her belief that it's benign and thinking I need to go shoe shopping.

It's Friday

I confess...

the other night when I gave Bug a kiss on his forehead I wondered if I accidentally bathed him using our dog's medicated shampoo instead of people shampoo. Even worse if I didn't, I need to quickly change shampoo choices for the little guy. Seriously, boy and dog should never smell the same--particularly when the boy is clean.

A shopping trip takes a bit longer these days--even before I leave the house--because Bug wants to help with the list. When he's writing the items as I spell the words, I keep the list short. At this point he can't make connect that he's written down four things and our big red cart has 782 items in it. I don't know if I've ever gone through the express check out at Target and mostly wonder why they have one...who gets out of Target with fewer than 10 items?. I quickly decided to carry Bug's mini list and my supersizeBugcanneverseelist as well.

I had a cupcake for breakfast today. How could I not? It was a gift--it's rude to not accept a gift, right?

My kindle and I are becoming very close.
 
Go to Mamarazzi for more confessions.

Mommy, did I grow in your tummy?

I've been waiting for this question and knew it would come. It doesn't mean I was prepared for it...just knew I would hear it sooner rather than later. I expected it to happen last year when Bug checked out a Berenstain Bears book that showed Mother pregnant with Sister. (Side note: I always found it odd that the cubs didn't get real names and are simply called Brother an Sister in the Berenstain Bears.)

But no, this question came when Bug and I were out for a walk one not so incredibly hot afternoon. We walked by a neighbor's house and I said, "Did you know that Conor will have a little brother in the fall?" Bug said, "is the baby in his mommy's tummy?" "Yep," I replied oblivious to where this conversation was going because I was simply enjoying our walk.

"Mommy, did I grow in your tummy?"

I paused (I guess you could say there was a pregnant pause on my part but that's just an odd choice of words for this situation)...

As Bug was balancing on a stone wall, I reminded him that no he didn't grow in my tummy but in another woman's tummy who grew him so he could be part of our family. I used the word adoption and again told the story how we met him in the hospital. The biggest issue his four-year-old self currently has with this?

He doesn't like the part of the story that he was born in Virginia and wants to have been born in Boston or on Cape Cod.

I confess...

I've been unmotivated to blog lately.

It's pajama day at camp and I hate the thought that Bug is set on wearing his fireman jammies. They're a size too small and about four inches too short but still his favorites and he wants to show them off. (Why can't I find NEW fireman pajamas that are the right size? Wouldn't you think they would practically be standard issue for little boys?)

I ordered a kindle yesterday and now I'm giddy and hesitant about its arrival. I know I'll continue to read (and smell) actual books that open to show real pages but I wonder if I'll love an e-reader the way everyone says I will...

The countdown to vacation is ON.

While I'm giddy about vacation, I'm also a little hesitant about it. We'll spend a week with Donnie's parents on Cape Cod, which is great but Bug's temper is slightly volatile these days and could create unwanted post July 4th fireworks.

I tend to stress out a little at this time of year...it's time to put together photos of Bug for his birth parents. I'm happy to do it but find it's a bit of a balancing act. The focus, of course, is Bug but I like them to see photos of us as a family as well. This year I think I may include some of his funny observations and maybe a few of his drawings, too.

I had a dream this week that I was dating Nelly.

I was in such a hurry to get ready for work quietly and NOT wake up Bug (who was in our bed) that I scooted out the door at 6am and forgot to put on deodorant. Lovely. CVS, here I come.

I wouldn't mind having a root beer float or a DQ hot fudge sundae for breakfast today.

Visit Mamarazzi for more confessions...

WW--feel safer knowing he's on call?

(And, no, I don't know why this fireman needs to have a kitchen timer with him at all times...)

You can't hide poop (for long)

A little lesson Bug learned this morning...

If you're playing hide & seek with your mom, it's best to STOP the game and go to the bathroom than poop your pants and be found immediately. Even if your hiding spot is a good one the odor will give you away.

4 across: another word for mom

I do crossword puzzles every so often but there was a time when I did them more frequently. Now doing a puzzle feels like a bit of a treat. Typically, I'll settle in on the couch with a pen and a puzzle while Bug is busy watching Diego or or playing with his cars. Lately, he's noticed what I'm doing and wants to be  part of it. So he will join me on the couch to "practice" his letters. I hand over my pen and show him where to put which letters when if I know the answer to a clue.

Of course, there are times when I'm not in the mood for his help but last night after his bath and right before bed, it was nice to snuggle up with my little guy on the couch. A word that takes me a couple of seconds to write down can be a couple of minutes (or more) for Bug to complete. I love seeing his big letters in the little squares. If a word has two of the same letter, he'll often use an upper case and a lower case so he doesn't "get bored." Rs are a big challenge for him and they look less like the letter itself and more like something you would see under a microscope in biology class. For now, if I see a clue: 4 across, eight letters, "another word for Mom," I'll immediately put PATIENCE.

Our coloful house

Donnie has pink eye.

Bug has a gold belt (congrats, little man)!

And I'm seeing red. I stepped on my glasses the other day at Bug's Tae Kwon Do class and can't find my old pair.

the eyes have it

Pink eye, that is.

I--not Bug (so far anyway)--had pink eye this week. It complemented my allergies nicely. The upside: I had a doctor's note forcing me to stay home from work because I was contagious. The downside: our computer crashed while I was home.

Just because Easter is coming I didn't need to look like this...

P.S. I love that when I hit spellcheck "work" came up as incorrect...the option given was: "woe." Seems about right.

Happy Easter...

the talk

Well, not THAT talk but more adoption talk with Bug. For awhile now we've used children's books as an introduction to the subject but Bug hasn't seemed interested in relating the words or scenes on the pages to the events in his life even with our relating the words and scenes to his life. He seems too young to comprehend it but even before Bug was in our lives, the agency stressed the importance of talking with children early about adoption...whether they really understood it or not so that there wasn't a surprise BIG TALK later on.

Yesterday Bug and I were in the car and saw a woman pushing a stroller. It prompted a chat about Bug as a baby. I told him I always enjoyed putting him in his stroller and going for a walk together. We talked about what a happy little guy he was and how he loved his bottle, his toes and Winnie-the-Pooh. I told him how sometimes he would fall asleep and Vera would hear the lullaby and end up napping next to him so I had two sleeping little ones (yes, she sleeps with her eyes open).

He asked where he was born and I reminded him he was born in Virginia (or as Bug says, "REginia"). He asked if that's where we met him and I said yes (thinking that part of our previous chats may have actually sunk in and stuck with him).

Realizing that his questions were going backwards in time, I geared up for a little deeper conversation and possibly a question that went a step prior to our meeting him and was ready to follow his lead.

And then he said...and when you met me was I already in a stroller ready to go for a walk?

Play Toy Date

Yesterday morning--at 6am--Bug asked when he would see Mat again. I was thrilled...Mat's mom is MY friend so it's the whole two birds/one stone thing. He gets to see his pal and I get to see mine--the best kind of play date. Bug doesn't have many play dates--aside from time with his buddy next door--and doesn't really seem interested in them at this point. Other than to say hi and exchange small talk with the parents/nannies of his classmates, I don't know any of them and anticipate play dates being a bit awkward (for me).

Often when I pick up Bug at school we'll go to the playground and see children from his class or our next door neighbor may show up if it's the day of the week that he doesn't have one or two after school activities.

Typically, Bug may go down the slide a couple of times with his friends but then he's happy to dig and create roads in the sand by himself as opposed to playing with the other kids. THIS is a huge improvement from the fall when he would simply dig his fingers into my leg at the playground and hide behind me, demanding wanting to play only with me.

So I was happy that Bug initiated wanting to see Mat.

Until last night...

I had been at an adoption meeting (not for a second child or anything interesting--just a volunteer meeting) and Donnie told me about this conversation with Bug:

Bug: I can't wait to see Mat.
Donnie: Yeah, that will be fun to play with Mat.
Bug: No, I don't want to play with Mat...I want to play with Mat's toys.

When I heard that, I could almost see the autumn leaves and feel a clawing deep in my thigh as if I were back at the playground.

WW/The French Connection

I've got nothing to add...I just like this photo of our sweet little Frenchie.

lions and tigers and bears...

We live close to National Zoo. Not close enough that our house smells like a circus after the elephant act but close enough that visiting the zoo is an easy day out. We hadn't been in awhile and decided to go. Bonus: there's no admission to get in the zoo--a FREE Saturday adventure! We saw:

Lions

Tigers

Bears

And what did Bug talk about for days after our visit? The prairie dogs. Oh my...

things that make me happy

• Spring arrived before my allergies this year.


• Yesterday Bug was outside for three hours at the playground across the street. Donnie and I tag-teamed but Bug went strong the entire time building a city in the sandbox, watching for pirates from the top of the slide, swinging, kicking the soccer ball, contemplating the story of "The Tortoise and the Hare" and keeping an eye out for "ghostessess." Best part of all was when he came to us an hour before his regular bedtime announcing he was tired from all his work and should go to sleep.


• "Madness" seems the perfect word to describe this year's NCAA tournament. I haven't been able to watch much of it but what I have seen has been fun even if I have NO teams in the final four.


• I've actually made time for reading...I feel like I've been reunited with a long lost friend.


• In one week our convention will be OVER.

wanna hear a joke?

Actually, the joke doesn't matter...but you can pick the punchline of your liking because it's always one on the list below no matter how the joke begins--"knock knock" or "why did the chicken cross the road?" Here are your choices:

1) pee pee
2) poo poo
3) poops
4) pee pee poo poo
5) pee and poop
6) poopyhead
7) pee pee head
8) caca coocoo
9) banana


Wait, you're not laughing either? Ah, pre-school humor...

Bits of nothing

I gave up sweets for lent and on the second day I had two separate dreams about eating candy and/or cookies.


Bug now calls farts "air poops."


I learned a couple of weeks ago that my job may be further downsized or possibly eliminated. Although if it happens it won't likely happen until July so I have plenty of time to fret over it.

I'm really ready for spring not so much the allergies that come along with the season though.

We are invited to Donnie's former girlfriend's daughter's wedding (that's a mouthful...there's probably an easier way to phrase that but I can't come up with it). The ex has already invited us to a dinner the night before with family (but not the wedding couple) and a few of her closest friends...the wedding is a few hours away and with babysitting issues, I doubt we'll go to that...just the wedding. I'm trying to prepare myself for awkward moments because I expect them to know they will happen.

All the thoughts in my head are just snippets of things. Not many things feel connected or finished (like this post, for example).

Bug's been waking up at least twice a night for a few weeks now. It's beyond old at this point. I'm longing for his good sleeping habits to kick in again.

the fountain of youth sprayed me

A couple of weeks ago I bought some anti-aging cream. The result...I broke out all over my face. Granted, acne takes me back to my teenage years but somehow having pimples wasn't what I expected from the promise of "younger looking skin." Sigh...

honesty and tact is a balancing act

Over the weekend I got my hair cut--a much-needed, long overdue haircut. My intention was to color my hair before I got to the salon. A couple of years ago I started coloring my hair to save money and like it to appear that I'm on top of it on those rare occasions when I actually get a cut. I also find it's a lot easier to complain about a color that I don't like when I pay $6 or $8 for it than $60 or $80 at the salon!


Of course, I procrastinated life got in the way and I didn't get my color done before I went for a cut. I've been going to this guy for years long before I needed color so he knows my hair. Sometimes there's a communication problem like this time...he cut, I said the length is fine--thanks, he said it needed some layering and a few minutes and three inches shorter later, I walked out. Whatever, it's hair it will grow, right? And really who cares that I know look like a mom on a 1960s sitcom, you know, other than me?


So I get home and this is the conversation with Bug:


Me: What do you think of my hair?
Bug: Gray


I'm thinking if he continues with this honesty he won't have many second dates in the years to come.

hiding spot

I'm kind of feeling like this right now...

I would love to find a cozy spot and sneak away (preferably with a book) but I'm pretty sure, just like when I was a little girl, someone would find me.

my hometown home state

When I tell people I grew up in South Dakota, these are the top three responses I receive:

1. I've never met anyone from South Dakota before. I bet I hear this 99% of the time. I get it. SD is a big state with a small population and apparently people think we don't get out of the state much.

2. What's it like growing up in North Dakota? I don't know why but this is very common question.

3. Wow, you don't have a southern accent at all. No, I don't, that's because I grew up in South Dakota.

I was at a party several years ago at my friend's house. Geri (my friend) wanted to set me up with a friend of her sister's. Apparently, the sister wanted to check me out first. They grew up in New York and were very proud to be New Yorkers. This was our initial conversation at the buffet table:

Sister: Oh, you're the one from Oklahoma, right?

Me: No, I'm not from Oklahoma.

A moment later (still at the buffet table)...

Geri to her sister: Did you meet Mary? She's the one we're setting up with ______ I forget his name.

Sister: Um, yeah, but she said she wasn't from Oklahoma.

Me: I'm not, I'm from South Dakota.

Sister: Eh, same difference.

Me: Really, did you grow up in Jersey?

I went to her level and made my point. The sister's face turned red and angry and for a second I expected to her to jump across the table. Score one for the woman without a drawl from one of the Dakotas.

Next week I'm going to SD to visit my mom. I had hoped to go over the past weekend but flights were too expensive so I booked my trip for early March. I'm rarely thankful for high-priced air travel but in hindsight those elevated rates were a blessing. I avoided the 18 inches of snow that arrived on Saturday. My brother and his wife were back for a visit. He said that the snowdrifts outside his window were taller than him. Good ol' South Dakota...18 inches of snow and their departing flight on Sunday was on time! I think I'll mention that next time someone asks where I'm from.


Meanwhile, I'm going to think good thoughts for warmer weather and less snow next week for my visit.

Kindle, Nook or Printed Book? That is my question

I'm thinking, thinking, thinking about getting an eReader. It seems everyone I know who has one loves it. I've been hesitant to get one and I know for me it's simply because I've worked in publishing/books so long that I feel it's somehow a betrayal to the industry because I won't buy as many printed books. Plus I worry I'll miss holding the actual book in my hands and I love the look, feel and smell of new books...and old books.

I have a gift card and wanted to use it on something that I might not otherwise buy for myself and thought a Kindle would be great...or maybe a Nook. If I traveled more, I'm sure I would have purchased one long ago. I often curse my reading addiction when I'm packing for a trip...three or four books can take up space in a carry-on or tote, weigh the bag down and give me a sore shoulder. But...when I'm lying in bed, do I want to curl up with an e-reader instead of a book?


Any thoughts? Do you have an eReader? Do you love it? Against them altogether? Should I just buy some fabulous shoes instead?!

have a rainbow day

Bug brought home this rainbow that he painted at school last week.

Other than LOVE I'm not sure there's a word to describe how I feel about this rainbow. Somehow this rainbow IS my little man. The paint is mostly in the lines but not a single color is correct. So very, very Bug. Again, LOVE.

Happy Valentine's Day!

all the news that's fit to print draw

Bug's "headline news" from preschool...

football = love

I grew up in a catholic house. The other religion under our roof was the Minnesota Vikings. We went to mass every Sunday, out to lunch then settled in for football. If the Vikings played the early game we skipped the restaurant so we could be home for kick-off. There were plenty of times when I wasn't interested in watching football but if I pestered my parents or brothers during the game, my mom told me to give our dog a bath. I quickly learned to watch the game or play alone elsewhere.

My parents (and sometimes the kids) went to Minneapolis to see a Vikings game once a year. On those times when my parents escaped went alone, they would bring each of us a gift. The souvenirs that stand out in my memory are the caps. My parents saw the Vikings play the Packers...BIG rivals. They brought my brother a Vikings cap and gave me a Packers cap.
I cried myself to sleep that night.

Of all the things my parents could have done to me, this is what made me realize they didn't love me. IF they loved me, I would have received a Vikings cap, too, right? After all, my parents never cheered for the Packers...they cheered AGAINST them and now I was supposed to wear this cap in public? Seriously?

I pretended to lose the cap but my mom always found it for me. I would leave the house with it on my head then quickly take it off. I didn't even know any kids at school who cheered for the Packers...how could I be seen in that cap?

After a time I used the memory of receiving the cap to my advantage. When my brother picked on me I needed to shed a tear quickly and get sympathy from my mom, I found my motivation in that Green Bay cap and remembered that I wasn't loved or wanted in the family--the tears came instantly. It always worked.

Years after college I told my parents how I learned I was unloved. They laughed and laughed and I explained further how my heart was broken as a child over a green/gold cap with the pom pom on top and they chuckled some more. Sigh... (Edited to add: I should have mentioned that my mom had no recollection of giving me a Packers cap and figured she probably bought different caps for us because my brother was a serious Vikings fan and I didn't care that much about football so it wouldn't matter what team I had. And she didn't think as siblings we would want the same cap! Go figure...)

So while I'm still a Vikings fan, this Sunday I'll be cheering for the Pack...cap or no cap.

oh, she forgot to put pants on...

We lost power during our five inches of snow the other night. It was thundersnow, which was kinda funky. Anyway, when we learned it could be more than 2 days before the electric company could fix it, we jumped ship--freezing not sinking--in this case and went to a hotel.


Bug's school was closed for a third day this week (Wed: threat of bad weather, Thur: cleaning up snow; Fri: no heat in the school) so Bug and I had the morning to hang out at the hotel. After showering, roaming the lobby and staring at the fish, making plans to ride the alligator (aka elevator) to the top floor later, we wandered to Starbucks to get hot chocolate.


Happily, we found seats so we could drink our treats and chat. The conversation went like this:


Bug: Oh, she forgot to put pants on...
Me: (not understanding out what he said--asked) What?
Bug: (louder, of course) She forgot to put pants on (pointing now so I could see the woman in a chair near us wearing a short dress and nude hose).
Me: No, she has a dress on, you just can't see it because her coat is covering it.
Bug: (louder, again, of course, because that's what four-year-olds do when they're 100% correct) NOPE, she forgot to put pants on.
Me: Drink up. (As Bug picked up his cup, the pantsless woman got up, pulled down her dress and left Starbucks.)



We're now at home where the heat is on and everyone is wearing pants.

I confess

While Donnie has been away my patience has grown thinner but my waistline has not (damn those dinners of Doritos and wine followed by dessert--all while Bug is sleeping of course).


I tip better if a waiter/waitress refers to me as "miss" rather than "ma'am."


I nearly polished off a full bag of frosted animal crackers before Bug knew they were in the house (see top confession above...).

I don't want to change my horoscope sign. I liked being a Libra all these years--balanced yet out of whack.

My mind tells me to exercise but the rest of my body doesn't move.

There are times I really miss the baby stage (as in Bug being a baby...not me). One thing I never miss about babyhood: changing crib sheets.

Check out more confessions and link up with Mamarazzi and Glamazon.

WW (sort of)

Kicking and Hitting and Spitting...oh my

Sigh...that was my morning. (Clarification: that was Bug's morning...I was the recipient of the kicking and hitting and spitting.) Why the big to do? I wanted him to get dressed--you know--for school because it's TUESDAY.

I confess

Because this is what all the cool kids are doing...Glamazon and Mamarazzi are hosting and I'm a bit of a party crasher...it's the new me.
I confess...

I've been a horrible blogger and a horrible reader for awhile now. I swear I'm working my way back...I've got new glasses now (hey, kids, they're bifocals...oh wait, I can't be that old...they're "progressives" so now I have no excuse for not reading other than being a lazy slug).

I hate my new glasses.

I've had hot chocolate every day this week and one day I had it twice (the second one was a gift so that should be guilt-free, right?). It's such a winter treat for me so I try to tell myself I will only drink it on cold mornings. But...it's January so I declare every morning cold.

I didn't really mind getting back into the routine of work for Donnie and me and school for Bug this week. I did, however, mind the alarm going off five days in a row and having to actually GO to work.

Over the holiday break I said "dammit" so I could put myself in time out and get a little quiet break. HEAVEN!!!

I've become a wuss about needles. Yesterday I had to get blood taken for allergy tests. I have rotten veins so it took multiple tries in my arms. I was nearly hyperventilating by time the little tube was filled. I should have been given a lollipop or a sticker or a good stiff drink when it was over.

It's been so long since I've done laundry, I'm not sure I remember where our washing machine is or how to operate it. Guess what I'll be doing this weekend...

Check out other confessions and link up.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Now that the holidays are over and resolutions are hovering about, it's probably a good time to give up the daily hot chocolate but it's so good and perfect on these cold mornings. Making it with skim or fat-free milk totally justifies the whipped cream, right? Or maybe I'll ask if our dress code at the office can include sweats.

Apparently, another of my resolutions is to drink more wine. I'm guessing I'll be more successful on that than giving up hot chocolate.

Here's our little girl, Miss VeraCora, snuggling up on Bug's Elmo chair. It's cute but the thing you should really notice in the photo is the pirate ship to the right of the chair. Friends gave it to Bug and when he received it, he was told it had 35 million pieces. I put it together and believe that number was fairly accurate. I'm quite pleased with myself (and I don't think it matters at all that I had a few extra pieces when the ship was completed).

Read any good books lately? I'm in a lull and could really use a suggestion to jump start my reading.

More randomness at The Un Mom.

Oh, hello 2011

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art--write or draw or build or sing or live only as you can. And, I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

--Neil Gaiman

I saw this quote on The World According to Curly Girl blog (check it out if you don't know it already) and wanted to share it. Happy new year!